Today, January 2nd, marks the 27th anniversary of the Silver Jubilee of the amalgamation of my biologic and spiritual selves. It's my birthday and I am 52. I do not clarify because I think my Gentle Readers incapable of figuring it out. Indeed not--I know that you are all very clever and creative souls. No, I clarify because I cannot seem to wrap myself around having another birthday. I am pleased, of course, to be having one insofar as the alternative would suck.
Since my return to behind the back woods (now the frozen tundra) I have felt as though I am hovering in suspended animation. The pace of my life has slowed, my anxieties have all but vanished, and the sharp impatience I felt at the ignorance of others has softened. No, Maine is NOT Shangri-La. It is what it is--beautiful, tranquil, harsh, and real. I am at peace here and, at the same time, at loose ends. I'm still looking for my niche, my 'raison d'etre'.
In the meantime I have turned 52 whether I like it or not. Doesn't feel any different than 51. Then again, no year has felt much different since I turned 40. Sigh...... I know what to expect, I'm familiar with the drill. I will continue to look at teenagers and young adults with a "What the hell is that about?" look in my eye. I will inadvertently catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and inwardly scream "When the hell did THAT happen?"
I have heard myself utter thoughts and opinions that had been my father's rather than my own and was alarmed that I was now channeling him. I am lucky that I am not disposed to wasting time pining for my youth or yearning to be younger. I wouldn't want to go through all that again. Besides, youth and beauty are no match for age and treachery. For now I am grateful that my mind, tongue, and appetite for life are as sharp as they ever were. Honed on the whetstone of experience. That's another thing I have to be grateful for. I was never much for looks but I had a quick mind. It has served me well along my life's journey and I don't see it deserting me anytime soon.
If June will forgive my borrowing, I am aging gratefully. I have all I need to be content right here in my own personal snow-bound Shangri-La-Ti-Da. I know my niche is just around the corner. It's always good--no matter how many birthdays you're blessed with--to have something to look forward to. I know, deep down, that I am my own 'raison d'etre'.
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