Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Fire Up The Brass Monkey

For the benefit of my Gentle Readers, what follows is Lord Wellbourne's Temperature/Comfort Equivalence Guide. It may come in handy for comprehending future posts.


95 & up degrees----------Just Freakin' Shoot Me
85 t0 94 degrees----------Hot
75 to 84 degrees----------Balmy
50 to 74 degrees----------Perfection
35 to 49 degrees----------Brisk
25 to 34 degrees----------Cold
00 to 24 degrees----------What The Hell!?
Below 0 degrees----------Just Freakin' Shoot Me

It is currently 22 degrees below zero outside with the wind chill factored in. So while I am waiting for some compassionate soul to come along and shoot me I have been beading yet another table linen and reveling in a primordial daydream beside the fire.

In this daydream I am hunting woolly mammoth up, down, and all around the glacier I call home. Eventually the critter I've been pursuing slips on the ice and fatally impales himself on an icicle stalagmite. Very fortuitous since I had forgotten to bring a spear. I then proceed to free him of his woolliness and a few hundred pounds of tenderloin and pot roast and return to my grand but tasteful cathedral ceilinged stone condo. After a meal of steak done to perfection with some veggies from the Hunter-Gatherer market I whip out my bone needle and sinew thread and sew that mammoth hide into an A-1 sleeping bag--woolly side in. I snuggle down with my four saber-toothed kitties for the next three months or until the day comes when there's at least 10 hours of daylight--whichever comes first.

The wind is moaning through the snow-laden pines around the house and it has become apparent that no one is going to drop by to render a mercy shooting tonight. Figures. In the meantime I am typing away in my studio which resembles a medieval knight-crusader's long hall adorned with his plunder of the Middle East. A fire in the hearth casts a glow on the tapestries and the mother-of-pearl inlaid chess set, the air filled with the scent of sandalwood incense, and a quadrillion beads glittering in their containers.

Now that I consider it, it's really too nice a night to be shot. Cancel my order.

11 comments:

  1. My own Temperature/Comfort Equivalence Guide would run a tad to the warmer end, but the Just Shoot Me range is about right.
    Good on you for even daydreaming about heading out to the tundra in search of woolly mammoth meat; I'd eat pebbles instead.

    Your studio sounds glowy and cozy and sparkly bead-clicky linen-rustle-y. There in such a nest, the moaning wind makes it all just a little comforting, doesn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Save the ammo and throw another log on the fire ;-) You're much to dazzling to be shot.

    ReplyDelete
  3. June: Somehow I think that mammoth meat and pebbles have about the same consistency so I may save myself a few steps next time. The studio is my sanctum-sanctorum. It is a scaled down version of my home in Texas. Lots of brocade and inlaid or carved wood. Oriental carpets, pillows and candles galore. Looks very much like a harem, actually. Lots of brass and copper. One of my cousins referred to it as a cross between a mini museum and "Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe". Either way it does indeed make the tundra feel far away.

    Red: You always say the nicest things!! And you're always so right, too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh yes, with all that opulence around to keep you cosy and comfortable any night is too nice to be shot hey?
    Here it is 41C, is that about 106F? You'd be asking for the bullet unless you suddenly acclimatised,got on with life and managed to find that Summer is the perfect time to relax, enjoy a bit of quiet beading,tapestry work or reading or take a visit to a long established Botanic Gardens with huge shady trees and a feast of waterlily sights.Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
  5. 105.8F to be exact. And definitely well withing the 'shoot me' range. I was fortunate to have lived on the Gulf Coast of Texas rather than the deeper interior where it got that hot most of the summer. Mostly I stayed within doors in the air conditioning and puttered around the house. I actually like chilly weather--I get a lot done when it's below 60F. I bead year round to keep me sane. The current temperature here converts to -30C where you are. What is your winter coping method when winter comes to your hemisphere?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh, and A very Happy, Healthy, and Prosperous New Year to you, too!! And to all my Gentle Readers!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ah...I really enjoyed your post. Your studio sounds lovely!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks for visiting!! I hope the Grant Family will come again often!! I would love to visit your farm someday--it looks and sounds like the kind of place I would feel very comfortable in.

    ReplyDelete
  9. It would be a pleasure to have you. Can get quite interesting around here between the cats, cows and chickens!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Now I KNOW I'd feel at home there!!

    ReplyDelete