Sunday, April 24, 2011

Wellbourne's Easter Feast


Three to four pound pork shoulder
1 18oz jar of apricot preserves
1 14 oz can of whole berry cranberry sauce
1/4 cup chicken broth
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1 teaspoon of ground cloves
1 large onion
Several potatoes
Several carrots
1/2 head of cabbage
1 summer squash/zucchini
Cauliflower/broccoli crowns, about a handful each

Trim fat from pork shoulder while being told that you're doing it wrong. Mix the apricot preserves, cranberry sauce, Dijon mustard, and chicken broth together until well blended even if you're being told you've stirred it enough already. Chop the large onion into small pieces while being told you've wasted half of it. Score the wrongly trimmed shoulder in cross cuts and rub the ground cloves into the slits while listening to how whole cloves would be a better choice. Place the chopped onions in bottom of slow-cooker and place shoulder on top of onions while listening to how it's on the wrong side. Pour the apricot/cranberry mixture over the top of shoulder while listening to how much of a waste it is. Set slow-cooker to low and cook for 12 hours. Be prepared to listen to how it is either too much or not enough time.

Next day, about 90 minutes before you wish to eat, peel and cut the potatoes and carrots into 1/2 inch pieces while being told you handle the peeler and paring knife incorrectly. Boil at the wrong temperature setting in the wrong pot. Cut cabbage into wedges and summer squash/zucchini into 1/4 inch slices which are all the wrong size or shape and place with the cauliflower/broccoli crowns in a large strainer which is too big over a pot of boiling water that is too small and steam for as long as it takes which is either too long or not long enough.

When the potatoes and carrots are 'mash-able' mash them together with whatever flavouring you prefer...understanding that they won't be as good as how someone else makes them. Remove steamed vegetables from over-sized strainer and place into a dish which is unnecessary and extravagant and season to taste knowing all the while that the flavour has been cooked out of them.

Remove the over/under cooked shoulder from slow-cooker and place on platter which has never been seen before and is therefore deemed unlikeable. Transfer the mashed potatoes/carrot combination into another wasteful and extravagant serving dish. Set table with non-styrofoam plates which will involve wasting water and time to wash along with heirloom silver and vintage linens that once belonged to a disagreeable ancestor. Place large salt shaker at center of table to off-set the blandness of the cuisine.

Sit down. Remove wads of cotton from ears (dispose of discreetly) and enjoy!

Happy Easter from my world to all my Gentle Readers!


  1. I am sitting here in the quiet of my aloneness (except for the cats who are draped strategically in the coolest spots on the table) and laughing hysterically because I know it will be me in the same place before too many more years go by. Enjoy while you can the sounds of swmbo.

  2. I had a can of slim-fast in silence instead but I am more than a little familiar with that routine.

  3. Hooooooo boy...
    I guess you can be glad that the voice was outside your head instead of inside...?

  4. On the rare occasions that one experiments with the culinary arts and crafts, precautionary measures of evacuating loved (and un-loved) ones makes the experience more productive.

    Happy Easter to you and yours.

  5. There are some who should on occasions be banned for kitchens! Happy Easter!

  6. A disagreeable ancestor that's wishing for a seat at that table. YUM! Went out to Pappa K's for an assortment of grilled meat, grilled vegetables, baked beans, mashed potatoes, angel food cake with strawberries and whipped cream, homemade fudge brownie turtle cookies (with pecan and caramel) and store-bought pink sugar frosted cookies. And a Diet coke ;-)

    Happy Easter xoxo!

  7. Hmmm, I gotta agree on the whole cloves.

  8. Greetings All:--Oh, indeed, in a perfect world I would have had the kitchen to myself and basked in culinary solitude. The core realization I have come to since my return to this Little House on the Tundra is: No matter what you do, it will never be good enough, done right, or approved of. I find yard work and cotton balls pressed securely into the ear canals to be a satisfactory alternative to spending my life condemned to wearing an orange jumpsuit.

    My reward, however, was that in spite of the litany of errors I committed in the planning and preparation of the feast, HRH went for seconds (and possibly thirds when I wasn't looking). What few guests we've had have heard how delicious Easter Dinner was.

    I'm beginning to understand that criticism is life's blood for some people. As long as I have cotton balls it's all good.

    Red:--Glad to see you kept everything in perspective :-)

    VQ:--I agree but did not have any on hand. Next shopping trip will rectify that.

    June:--The voices inside my head were humming tunes from Messiah. Usually it's something from Wagner but I guess the day inspired a change of composer.

  9. Beats Gitmo.Besides, You're not an 'orange' type. More 'tartan'.

  10. Only in a kilt, vest, or pajamas (all of which I have--I know, big surprise eh?). The rest of the time it's jewel tones and tweed. Orange is sooooo unkind to the fair complected.

  11. That was a lesson well taken. I did not cook Easter dinner, and I did some complaining about things being overdone. I shall repent and do better next time.

    The slow cooked pork shoulder sounds nice.

  12. Anne:--I can't imagine your commentary on the overdoneness bore the same biting tone as the criticism received by the yours-truly chef at chez Wellbourne.

    But the shoulder was very tender and juicy. One might think that all that glaze would be overpowering but in actuality it diminishes as the pork juices increase leaving a tantalizing balance.